I shall believe
by madelinear
Summary: Songfics are balm for an unloved writer's soul.


I shall Believe  
By: Sugar Princess  


  
Disclaimer: No one belongs to me. *sigh* We all know that. You know that. I know that. Gee, we're all so smart!  
Song: Sheryl Crow's 'I shall believe' from her 'Tuesday Night Music Club', which, I happened to find amongst my mom's CDs. Pretty cool CD. And the song is super pretty (which is one of the reasons I used it.)  
Dedication: A mes filles de la chambre rouge: Mita, Lita, Nita and Rita; et à Linds.  
  
  
Christian lay in his bed numbly. Satine had left him. Chosen the Duke. He might have been able to survive if it had been anyone but _him_. If she had met some handsome young rich rake and fallen in love and chosen him instead. But Christian was now certain he would die. The Duke? The DUKE? That one word could- and was- driving him to insanity. The Duke. _She chose the Duke over me._  
  
Somehow he had always figured Satine had found the Duke repulsive. God known he had. Once more, he had always figured that Satine had liked him better.  
  
He was wrong.  
  
He lay on his bed, in his stupid little garret that was cold and drafty with a window that let air and had a view of that damned Moulin.   
  
At first he had been bitter, but now all he was was destroyed. He longed for Satine to run through the door and tell him she had had a momentarily lost her mind, but now she was fine, and she would love him forever. Christian bargained with God, saints, deities from other religions. Angels. Anything that could help him.  
  
Melancholia. Christian had always liked the word, but he had never been able to apply to himself. Once he had attributed it to his mother, when he was ten and she had a miscarriage. He always connoted the word 'melancholy' to her. Now he realized he was a prime example himself.  
  
He considered selling his soul to the Devil. To bring his sweet Satine back to him. He didn't care what happened to him. Satine could tell him anything she wanted to, and he wouldn't care. If only he could have one moment with her again. One.  
  
"Come to me now," he said softly. "And lay your hands over me. Even if it's a lie, say it will be alright, and I shall believe."  
  
Destroyed. That was the word for him. Ruined. Wasted. What was life without Satine? Was there a point to breathing, when Satine was with another man? He contemplated suicide, entertaining the idea. It blossomed and frolicked in his mind like a water sprite. He gave the nymph a swift kick in the behind and out of his head.  
  
"I'm broken in two," he continued mournfully. "And I know you're on to me. That I only come home, when I'm so all alone. But I do believe,"   
  
The apartment seemed so empty without her presence. She was like a little ray of sunshine in his hovel.  
  
He felt trapped in darkness.  
  
"That not everything is gonna be the way you think it ought to be. It seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me." He rubbed his face into a pillow that still faintly carried her scent. "Please say honestly you won't give up on me- and I shall believe. I shall believe." He said the last part hopefully.  
  
"Open the door, and show me your face tonight." He pleaded. "I know it's true, no one heals me like you. And you hold the key"  
  
The door opened, and there she was, her sweet face solemn. Her eyes were downcast, and she hung her head, disgraced. She stood before him, humbled, and there was not a trace of the sparkling diamond in that girl.  
  
She had the face of a lost little girl that wanted nothing more than to be returned to her mommy and daddy and be cared for and loved.  
  
"Never again would I turn away from you. I'm so heavy tonight, but your love is alright, and I do believe..."  
  
Christian held his arms out, and she let forth a dazzling smile. She walked with a dignified trot to his bed, sitting down, her feather weight not even moving the bed.  
  
He reached to touch her face, and she dissolved, his hand touching nothing but air.  
  
Christian let out an agonized groan and pounded his pillow. "That not everything is gonna be the way you think it ought to be. It seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me." He forced tears back from his eyes that were close to overflowing. "Please say honestly you won't give up on me- and I shall believe. I shall believe."   
  
Satine ... she loved him. She had told him so.  
  
"That not everything is gonna be the way you think it ought to be. It seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me." He repeated. "Please say honestly you won't give up on me- and I shall believe. I shall believe."   
  
He couldn't do anything right. Hadn't his father always told him that? He bombed on relationships. His brothers mocked or despised him, his father couldn't stand him. Girls never found him interesting, only an intellectual. Love couldn't be the solution to all his problems. _Else you'd be doomed_, taunted his father's voice.  
  
_Oh, but it was_, Christian's heart told him with a sob. _Satine's love that made life so much better.   
_  
"I shall believe," he said. "I shall believe. I shall believe."  
  
Satine had told him that she loved him. _What good is the word of a whore?_ his father would say. Satine's word meant everything to him. He loved her. She could tell him the sky was falling and he would believe her.  
  
He would follow her to the ends of the earth.   
  
Satine would come back for him.   
  
"Please say honestly you won't give up on me..." he let the words hang. "And I shall believe."  
  
He looked at the door confidently. She would come.   
  
"I shall believe. I shall believe. And I shall believe."  
  
She had to.   
  
"I shall believe. I shall believe. I shall believe. "  
  
She was walking up the street.   
  
"I shall believe. I shall believe. I shall believe."  
  
Turning in to the building.   
  
"I shall believe. I shall believe. I shall believe."  
  
Climbing up the stairs.   
  
"I shall believe. I shall believe."  
  
Opening the door.   
  
"I shall believe."  
  
She never came.


End file.
